I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Randomize
