Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
send nudes
from the living room?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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