I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
The Olympian is in my bed
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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