i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
