Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
