My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
