Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
