I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
