I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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