so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
