my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
