Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
