the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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