Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
