just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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