I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
