You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
