I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just cropdusted the office
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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