so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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