I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
