I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
