He uses pillows to masturbate.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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