my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
