went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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