mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
