My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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