my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
