Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
