everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
