whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
