I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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