I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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