I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize