I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
