The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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