I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
