It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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