ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
