i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
