i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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