According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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