dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just cut my nipple shaving
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
