mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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