we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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