You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize
