I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
