shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
