Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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