I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
