my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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