also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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