i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
