Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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