I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's always time for handjobs
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
