There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
