I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
