I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
