Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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