The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
