call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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