I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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