i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just forgot I was standing up.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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