I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
