I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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