Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
