my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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