Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
