He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
wow bdsm is so cute
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
