He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Everyone says I win the strip club
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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