Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
